In Defense of the Mediocre, Crass, and Shitty

Last week, I had the fortune to see X-Men: First Class. This is not a good movie. In fact, it was a very bad movie. It didn't make sense, was kind of sexist, and had January Jones in it. But, you know what? I loved every fucking second of it. I would see it again. Shit fuck. I'd see it again in theaters. It was silly, funny, and sexy. Case in point: Michael Fassbender. This gentleman knows how to wear a wetsuit and how to dramatically mime moving, like, a bunch of missiles through grand gesticulations.

Fassbender tangent:


That is not from the movie, but who cares? It is awesome for reasons other than pure handsomeness: single tear, eyeliner, neck tattoo, blouse.

Anyway, my point of my blog post is this: Sometimes things that are stupid and poorly executed can bring you an immense amount of joy. I wanted to explore this idea so, I invited some of my favorite people to share their stupid shit that they love. These are all very attractive, intelligent ladies who excel in their fields of choice, but for whatever reasons have terrible taste when it comes to certain things.

Caitlin: Terrible Taste in Music

There comes a time in your adulthood when you decide to stop trying to be cool. Yeah, you could still mark in your calendar when the Typhoon LP comes out or you can be honest with yourself and be like, I just be like, "Nope. I just want to listen to the same Katy Perry song on repeat." Caitlin ascribes to the latter ideology and I think her life is better because of it.

Caitlin hosts the best karaoke night in all of Brooklyn and I think this might dictate her taste in music. It's more fun to sing TLC than Leonard Cohen. Here are her favorite bad songs right now:

1. Britney Spears "Hold It Against Me"



What Caitlin has to say about this: "This song is SO CLOSE to being BRILLIANT. I'm serious. It's a dancehall trashy pop song about cheesy pick-up lines. Unfortunately she only uses two lines, and I wish the song had like, 47, but whatever." Yeah, it's not even one of Britney's good songs. If you don't believe Britney ever had a good song shut your mouth and stop being such a snob.

2. Shots by LMFAO featuring Lil' Jon



Sigh. This song is the bane of my existence. Ever since it was introduced to my group of friends (as an example of a terribly executed, fucked up non-nonsensical misogynistic song), they sing a version of this song to explain every situation we are in. For example, if say the G train finally shows up, someone will sing "Train train train train train..." It is horrible. This is why Caitlin likes it, "The best part of this song is hearing Lil' John give a shout out to 'Lemon Drops.' Dude, that is not street at all."

Also this clean version is hilarious because instead of "fuck" they say "butts." So if you got no money get the butts out the club. But for some reason saying that if you give a woman some shots her panties will hit the ground is perfectly acceptable to be heard by all ages. Blerg.

3. A Tie Between "Peacock" by Katy Perry and "S&M" by Rihanna



This song is what I call a single entendre. So Katy really wants to see this guys weiner. I put up the lyrics video because the lyrics are really the best part. My favorite line is "I was so unprepared." Caitlin has this to say about this song, "I've never heard anything so stupid. I guess I can't really defend this one."



I'll let Caitlin explain this one: "It is only song where I have ever heard Rihanna sing with any emotion. Also, if the goal of this song is to make you feel dirty, they have accomplished it with Brittney's vocals. 'If I'm bad tie me down/Shut me up gag and bound.... me' Eeewwww." Indeed.

Irina: Terrible Taste in Movies

Irina grew up in Almaty, Kazakhstan and moved to the US as a teenager. Her experience of American pop culture is very different from mine. She says things like, "Every time I watch Catwoman with Halle Berry..." and I respond, "Stop. What? You do that habitually?" and she says, "Yes, of course!" She has also seen every movie with Keanu Reeves in it. Since I have not seen any of these movies (none of them have Michael Fassbender in them), I'll let Irina explain why she likes them in her own words.

1. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead



This is an excellent terrible movie. The awful babysitter dies and the kids dump her body but it's a comedy, see and Christina Applegate who is 17 has to get a job so she FAKES her resume and become an executive assistant. Because that can happen in real life. And she doesn't get sued for anything just GROUNDED. Ah, this is good stuff. The fugliest male love interest is in it though. As if.

2. Catwoman

YouTube won't let me embed this video, but here is the clip.

Catwoman-This movie was hailed the worst Catwoman rendition ever and the least sexiest that Halle Berry has ever been. Uh, the former is definitely right, the latter come on??? When she orders a white Russian on the rocks sans vodka and the bartender is like "milk, straight up" and it looks the coolest thing ever and you get the urge to go to a bar and do the same but common sense holds you back. She looks fine as fuck. The trouble is that every time I see it I give myself a haircut. Once again the plot is idiotic. A fucking cat breathes into her mouth and she comes back to life. She saves the world from cream that maintains you looking young but is actually fucking killing you. The scene where she escapes out of jail, LIKE A CAT, by just squeezing through the rungs? It's soo bad. Listen I tried that shit okay, not only will neither of my ass checks squeeze through, our skulls are not malleable! Anyways, I love this movie. I love a girl in leather, who drinks milk, has commitment problems and eats tuna. Because at the end Halle Berry leaves Benjamin Bratt all alone. Bam. Like a fucking cat.

3. The Sweetest Thing

This video is NSFW sort of, mostly it is just dumb.



Okay, if you have taste or like cinema there is no reason why you should enjoy this movie unless you are me. This is probably Christina Applegate's and Cameron Diaz's worst movie EVER. The tasteless humor, awful styling, i don't even know what to say it's just god awful but you gotta watch it.

Rebecca: Terrible Taste in Television

Rebecca and I are BFFs, but our friendship is built on a foundation of our mutual interest in dumb things. We became friends in college because we would breaks from the library together to eat a lot of bad candy (Idaho Spud, anyone?) and talk about the holocaust. Anyway, one of the things we both love is really really bad TV. She can stomach worse stuff than me. These are her "favorites."

1. Seventh Heaven



How the crap was this show on for 11 seasons and (I am fully aware of how insufferable I must sound) Firefly got canceled after only 13 episodes? Joss Whedon must cry himself to sleep every night in a huge pile of money, just at the thought of it.

Also, they have like 10 kids, but none of them look alike.

2. Any Show with Shonda Rimes as Producer



Shonda Rimes is the woman responsible for a certain genre of television for women: ethically-questionable doctors who just have sex in supply closets and have terrible things happen to them. She created such tours de force as Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice (Grey's Anatomy in LA), and Off the Map (Grey's Anatomy in South America). It is very obvious that the actors, producers and writers for these shows actively hate these characters, as, I must assume, do most of the viewers. I chose the clip because it was from the not-well-thought-out musical episode that came out this season. They were right to have chosen to sing Snow Patrol because Grey's Anatomy is totally the Snow Patrol of television. Both are insufferable, melodramatic, nonsensical, and appear deep to dumb people.

3. The Mentalist




I have never seen this show. But it is nice to see that Robin Tunney has a job.

I need to update more

I need to update more lest you fine people forget about me. I have some new entry ideas that I will put up when I have a little more time. In the meantime, here is this insane tumblr that Davida (who is responsible for this, this and this) made. Basically, Davida and I are trying to have the most blogs ever.

Speaking of blogs, check out my weekly book blog at ArtAsiaPacific.

Counting Sheep.

My mom is an active member of the Amsterdam chapter of the Hash House Harriers, a world-wide group of drinkers with a running problem. They are putting together a bike race thing in Texel. They are famous for their sheep. So my mom asked me if I would design something for them to put on a t-shirt.

This was my process.



This was a very sophisticated sketch I made of what I wanted the sheep to be doing.

Then I brought into Adobe Illustrator and made this guy:



But I had forgotten to give him ears. Whoops. So I kept working.



I also added type and a windmill. Still he wasn't edgy enough.



He wasn't Dutch enough, so I added some orange clogs.



Then, I showed it to Mort, my dad. And of course he thought he wasn't getting enough attention as usual and requested his own sheep. Mort is not a very outdoorsy guy, so I changed his sheep around to fit his interests. His sheep is enjoying a Campari with soda while lounging on an Eames chair.



Edit: Mort wanted me to show some photos of his belongings to further explain his mid-century modern sheep.



Canes



Campari and other questionable liquors.



Research about sheep.

Must Love (Small) Dogs.

I told myself that I have to stop blogging about puppy dogs, but it has recently come to my attention that not everyone thinks Coco and Squirt are cute. This issue must be addressed. Let me refresh your memory. This is what Coco and Squirt look like:


Coco is lounging inside of a neck pillow.


Can Squirt's tongue be any pinker? Jesus Christ!

OMG! They are soooooo cute! LOOK AT THEM. SQUEEE!

Okay, let me pull myself together.

I really could not fathom it even being a possibility that someone would not love Squirt and Coco the wayI love them. I was naive enough to think that even people who have described Coco as being, "part ferret, part dung beetle" really love them in their deepest hearts. This was until, over a course of an hour or so, my dear friend explained to me in great detail why he does not like Coco. I finally got the message.

Some of his reasons were:

1) She is too small.
2) She has lost most of her hair due to being inbred.
3) She cannot exist in nature.
4) Her eyes protrude from her head.
5) She is usually wearing a sweater.

I thought this was just this guy and that he just had no heart, but sadly, other people have come forward and admitted to me that they don't really think these little guys are that cute, despite all the unconditional love and snuggles they offer. This was further solidified in my mind, when I forward the following picture to a friend.



Instead of saying, "OMG! He is soooooo cute! LOOK AT HIM. SQUEEE!" The response I got was, "ew."

What I want to do now is unpack exactly why Derek — yes, the Chihuahua shown here is named Derek— is cute. Here we go:

1) His name is Derek.
2) His head to body ratio.
3) His ear to head ratio.
4) His leg to body ratio (How does he support himself with such little legs!?)
5) The size of his body in relation to the pavement stones.
6) The "Hey what's up? I am just taking a walk all nonchalantly even though I am an adorable chihuahua" expression on his face.
7) He lives in the Netherlands. It shows strength of character for a chihuahua to live in such a northern climate.

Some people just hate small dogs for ideological reasons. But before you large dog-fascists write my little friends off, ask yourself the following questions:

Can a gigantic dog lie comfortably on your tummy while you read a book?

Can you just grab a gigantic dog and force him to snuggle with you when you are feeling hormonal while watching a documentary on Netflix streaming about adopting Chinese orphans?

Can a gigantic dog fall asleep on your shoulder? And would it be comfortable enough for you to join in and nap yourself?

I get that people have differing tastes, but if you don't think this picture of my friend's pug, Zoey is wondrous, you basically don't have a heart.

Grandmas! Love! Muffins!

Everyone likes grandmas right? They are cute and old and non-threatening. Oftentimes they bake their grandchildren yummy things. Davida, who is also responsible for this blog and this one, has started a new one where people submit beloved grandmother recipes. The latest entry was written by yours truly. Read it! Also admire the banner, it was created by a beautiful genius.

I Often Have a Hard Time Understanding Things.

Everyone has those dumb things they think are true that aren't actually true. And I don't mean subjective stuff like if the band Everclear is cool or not (I used to think they were cool when I was 13-17 and I was wrong. ). Or if it is the West's job to spread democracy in the Middle East or not. I mean things that are objectively true. For example, for a long time, my friend Rebecca thought it was possible to drive to Cuba from the United States. That is not true. No matter what your opinion is on the subject.

Rednecks: Not Recognized by the Census Bureau as an Ethnic Group.



When I was a little girl, for some reason I got the idea in my head that the term redneck was a derogatory term for a Native American. I think it might have some sort of conflation involving red skin, which is racist or at the very least racist-lite.

One day, I heard my father refer to one of his employee's husbands as a "huge redneck." I felt so disappointed. I thought, "Oh, no! I guess my dad is a racist!" and I slumped my head in shame. I eventually realized that redneck refers to white people (mostly) and it is okay to make fun of white people because they already are in charge of everything and therefore, are uncool by nature. Now I feel sort of uncomfortable using the term redneck because it seems classist. I am old and fancy enough to feel white guilt about white people. We might actually live post-racial America after all.

Apples and Oranges: One Fruit Is Superior to the Other



I have a really hard time with idioms despite being a native English speaker. I am very literal, which is a problem when dealing with culturally based phrases. I don't know why Marie Antoinette would want people to eat cake (or brioche or whatever). Kettles aren't black anymore and neither are most pots. And if you are rich enough to live in a glass house, you probably have good insurance, so go ahead and throw those rocks.

The one that was the worst for me was "It's like comparing apples to oranges." I literally had no idea what it even meant for years. My problem was that I just prefer oranges to apples. I could not imagine a universe where they'd be considered equal in value, yet incomparable. Given the choice between an apple and orange, I'll always choose the orange. Oranges are just better!

The Most Embarrassing: Lil' Kim.



Sigh. This went on until about a year ago and one of the most embarrassing things about me. Stupid Kim-Jong-il causes so many problems. Not just for his fellow country people and his southern neighbors, but for me. For years and years, I would hear about Kim Jong-il on TV and the radio, but I would always read about a very similar man named Kim Jong, the second. Orthography failed me. I was reading, Kim-Jong, the second because Il in too many typefaces looks like II. It also didn't help, that his dad or son or whatever (I really need to read the newspaper more often) is called Kim-Jong Un. In the rock tumbler that is my head, it just reinforced my idea that Kim-Jong was indeed the second Kim-Jong because "Un" has to be the first. Yes, I have a degree in linguistics and yes, for some reason, I thought that Korea would use an Romantic numeral to mark father and son. I feel so ashamed for me.

Buck Up, Pal.

My friend got her heart broken once. And then, soon after, she got it broken again, which was dumb on the heartbreaker's part. When this initially happened, I made her a crying mix. This time, I thought I should send her something to make her smile. I decided to make her a very specific kind of care package with stuff I know that she likes and has a significance to our friendship.

I made her a book to complement her first mix.


I had to print it on my beautiful Epson Stylus 1400, also known as my baby.


Then I had to to cut all the pieces out. I even went crazy and used a new blade, so I wouldn't injure myself!


It made some pretty interesting trash.


Then I put it together.




Some images require some explanation, but I think it would be boring except for me and Marianna.


Some images should be enjoyed universally. What is more lovely than a crazy hamster or a baby pug?















Ugly Plaid Shirt

Marianna was wearing ugly plaid before it was cool and will continue to wear it until the day she croaks. Therefore, I knew that an ugly plaid shirt was required.




Even the label was perfect.


When I bought it, the shoulder pads were pre-removed! What a great deal!

Whitman's Sampler.
Do I really need to explain this? I just hope she eats the whole thing in one sitting.