EXTREME! EXTREME! EXTREME!

Hurricane Irene is scheduled to hit New York City sometime tomorrow. I have been freaking out about it like the anxious dork that I am. I have a flashlight, radio, extra batteries, two gallons of water, rubber boots, a vintage raincoat with whales on it, a bucket, a box of Cheez-Itz and like 10,000 Kashi granola bars. I should be fine. But it got me thinking about extreme weather and that got me thinking of extreme things.

EXTREME BALLADS!!!



I remember hearing this song as a small child and thinking that their name must be ironic.

EXTREME POODLES!!!



Yes, that poodle is supposed to be a peacock. There are so much more EXTREMELY depressing poodle follicle abuse here.

EXTREME EXISTENTIAL CRISIS DEEP IN THE EXTREMES OF THE AMAZON, THE MOST EXTREME PLACE ON EARTH!!! EXTREME!



I love how EXTREMELY German this man is.

EXTREME WEB DESIGN

This is so horrible that it is almost beautiful. I wonder what their site map looks like.

EXTREME CUTENESS


AWK. LOOKING AT THIS MAKES ME WANT TO DIE. In a good way!

MOUNTAIN DEW!!!



Using the qualifier, EXTREME, with Mountain Dew would be EXTREMELY redundant.

I'm Not a Comedian.

A few months ago after my friends' comedy show, I met some nice comedians who didn't know me very well. They suggested I take a free improv class. I was like, "Yeah, that's never going to happen. Like. Ever."

Let me explain. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with improv. Despite what I might have said in the past, I don't think improv is stupid or that all comedians are on the Autism Spectrum lurching around the UCB theater wearing baggy soiled black sweatpants. Some of my best friends are improvisers! Some of them are upstanding members of society even. But improv is something that I have no interest in for the following reasons:

1. I would be very bad at it.
Improv is hard. Most people aren't very good at it.

I am very shy and I have terrible stage fright. I've never been a performer. I've always been creative, but a I-am-going-to-make-things -in-my-bedroom-that-I-may-not-show-another-person-while-listening-to-the-entire-69-Love-Songs type of creative. In design, if I make something ugly or bad, I don't have to show it to anyone. I can trash it and start over. Improvisers don't have that luxury. Once you make it, it's out in the universe even if it sucks.

2. I have very high self-esteem.
Self-explanatory.

3. If I had the time to do improv, I'd be doing these things:

• Learning to brew beer
• painting a picture of a dinosaur (on my list of the goals for a the year)
• the Sketchbook Project
• updating this blog that you are reading right now
• Taking a beginners German class
• Getting through an entire Godspeed album
• Trying to get through the first five pages of ffffffffffound.com
• Figuring out if my printer being electrocuted is covered by its insurance policy
• Cleaning the bathroom
• Watching Jane Eyre with Michael Fassbender as Mr. Rodchester over and over while dramatically fanning myself.
• Updating my portfolio site with better work.
• Figuring out how to use webfonts
• Finding a new cool bar/restaurant/cafe/store/desolate alley way in my neighborhood.
• Washing my sheets/towels (which no one does enough. We are all disgusting).
• Starting my Pretentious Book Club
• Experimenting with watermelon in savory salads.
• Reading anything from this series.
• Flipping through the 15832 back issues of Harpers/Monocle/Wired that are littered around my bedroom.
• Sleeping

Miniaturisations

I love miniature things. I think most people do, even fancy people who have solo exhibitions at the Whitney, like Charles LeDray. I was fortunate enough to get to see that show last winter and I freaked the fuck out. I loved it so. If you are unfamiliar, here are some examples:


Overcoat, 2004

The whole thing is only about two feet high. The next images is a shot of his miniature dry-cleaners:



Enough about LeDray. Last year I shared a post with you guys about my personal collection of miniatures. Since then, the collection has expanded significantly. Catherine, my roomie and owner of the miniature dog Coco, commissioned her handy brother to make us a miniature set of shelves to hold my collection. Here is the collection all together:



An Abacus that Fell Off a Key Chain



Saw Letter Opener

Quite a few things from the current collection were actually purchased and given to my father (Mort) by my sister (Yassi) for Christmas last year. He decided that they'd be better off living with me on my self. This is one of those things.



Para Lavar Los Dientes Pequeños

Mort brought back for me and my sister teeny oral hygiene kits from his trip to Mexico this month. They included one small tube of toothpaste, a toothbrush, and a sketchy flossing devise. Each kit cost one peso.



A Tiny Violin

This is the instrument that is played when one complains about something that isn't a big deal in the grander scheme of things.



Compact Grater

I think this is actually for nutmeg. Once I used it with fresh ginger.



Petite Pencils

This was also purchased for Mort. I wonder if you could find a sharpener small enough!





Tiny Tabasco

I bought some friend chicken I didn't actually want to eat just for this bottle.



Wee Shoes

These came from my favorite store in New York City (after B&H), Fabulous Fanny's









If you are interested in seeing more teeny-tiny (or great big) stuff, check out my superfriend, Hanae's tumblr: things of unusual size.

In Defense of the Mediocre, Crass, and Shitty

Last week, I had the fortune to see X-Men: First Class. This is not a good movie. In fact, it was a very bad movie. It didn't make sense, was kind of sexist, and had January Jones in it. But, you know what? I loved every fucking second of it. I would see it again. Shit fuck. I'd see it again in theaters. It was silly, funny, and sexy. Case in point: Michael Fassbender. This gentleman knows how to wear a wetsuit and how to dramatically mime moving, like, a bunch of missiles through grand gesticulations.

Fassbender tangent:


That is not from the movie, but who cares? It is awesome for reasons other than pure handsomeness: single tear, eyeliner, neck tattoo, blouse.

Anyway, my point of my blog post is this: Sometimes things that are stupid and poorly executed can bring you an immense amount of joy. I wanted to explore this idea so, I invited some of my favorite people to share their stupid shit that they love. These are all very attractive, intelligent ladies who excel in their fields of choice, but for whatever reasons have terrible taste when it comes to certain things.

Caitlin: Terrible Taste in Music

There comes a time in your adulthood when you decide to stop trying to be cool. Yeah, you could still mark in your calendar when the Typhoon LP comes out or you can be honest with yourself and be like, I just be like, "Nope. I just want to listen to the same Katy Perry song on repeat." Caitlin ascribes to the latter ideology and I think her life is better because of it.

Caitlin hosts the best karaoke night in all of Brooklyn and I think this might dictate her taste in music. It's more fun to sing TLC than Leonard Cohen. Here are her favorite bad songs right now:

1. Britney Spears "Hold It Against Me"



What Caitlin has to say about this: "This song is SO CLOSE to being BRILLIANT. I'm serious. It's a dancehall trashy pop song about cheesy pick-up lines. Unfortunately she only uses two lines, and I wish the song had like, 47, but whatever." Yeah, it's not even one of Britney's good songs. If you don't believe Britney ever had a good song shut your mouth and stop being such a snob.

2. Shots by LMFAO featuring Lil' Jon



Sigh. This song is the bane of my existence. Ever since it was introduced to my group of friends (as an example of a terribly executed, fucked up non-nonsensical misogynistic song), they sing a version of this song to explain every situation we are in. For example, if say the G train finally shows up, someone will sing "Train train train train train..." It is horrible. This is why Caitlin likes it, "The best part of this song is hearing Lil' John give a shout out to 'Lemon Drops.' Dude, that is not street at all."

Also this clean version is hilarious because instead of "fuck" they say "butts." So if you got no money get the butts out the club. But for some reason saying that if you give a woman some shots her panties will hit the ground is perfectly acceptable to be heard by all ages. Blerg.

3. A Tie Between "Peacock" by Katy Perry and "S&M" by Rihanna



This song is what I call a single entendre. So Katy really wants to see this guys weiner. I put up the lyrics video because the lyrics are really the best part. My favorite line is "I was so unprepared." Caitlin has this to say about this song, "I've never heard anything so stupid. I guess I can't really defend this one."



I'll let Caitlin explain this one: "It is only song where I have ever heard Rihanna sing with any emotion. Also, if the goal of this song is to make you feel dirty, they have accomplished it with Brittney's vocals. 'If I'm bad tie me down/Shut me up gag and bound.... me' Eeewwww." Indeed.

Irina: Terrible Taste in Movies

Irina grew up in Almaty, Kazakhstan and moved to the US as a teenager. Her experience of American pop culture is very different from mine. She says things like, "Every time I watch Catwoman with Halle Berry..." and I respond, "Stop. What? You do that habitually?" and she says, "Yes, of course!" She has also seen every movie with Keanu Reeves in it. Since I have not seen any of these movies (none of them have Michael Fassbender in them), I'll let Irina explain why she likes them in her own words.

1. Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead



This is an excellent terrible movie. The awful babysitter dies and the kids dump her body but it's a comedy, see and Christina Applegate who is 17 has to get a job so she FAKES her resume and become an executive assistant. Because that can happen in real life. And she doesn't get sued for anything just GROUNDED. Ah, this is good stuff. The fugliest male love interest is in it though. As if.

2. Catwoman

YouTube won't let me embed this video, but here is the clip.

Catwoman-This movie was hailed the worst Catwoman rendition ever and the least sexiest that Halle Berry has ever been. Uh, the former is definitely right, the latter come on??? When she orders a white Russian on the rocks sans vodka and the bartender is like "milk, straight up" and it looks the coolest thing ever and you get the urge to go to a bar and do the same but common sense holds you back. She looks fine as fuck. The trouble is that every time I see it I give myself a haircut. Once again the plot is idiotic. A fucking cat breathes into her mouth and she comes back to life. She saves the world from cream that maintains you looking young but is actually fucking killing you. The scene where she escapes out of jail, LIKE A CAT, by just squeezing through the rungs? It's soo bad. Listen I tried that shit okay, not only will neither of my ass checks squeeze through, our skulls are not malleable! Anyways, I love this movie. I love a girl in leather, who drinks milk, has commitment problems and eats tuna. Because at the end Halle Berry leaves Benjamin Bratt all alone. Bam. Like a fucking cat.

3. The Sweetest Thing

This video is NSFW sort of, mostly it is just dumb.



Okay, if you have taste or like cinema there is no reason why you should enjoy this movie unless you are me. This is probably Christina Applegate's and Cameron Diaz's worst movie EVER. The tasteless humor, awful styling, i don't even know what to say it's just god awful but you gotta watch it.

Rebecca: Terrible Taste in Television

Rebecca and I are BFFs, but our friendship is built on a foundation of our mutual interest in dumb things. We became friends in college because we would breaks from the library together to eat a lot of bad candy (Idaho Spud, anyone?) and talk about the holocaust. Anyway, one of the things we both love is really really bad TV. She can stomach worse stuff than me. These are her "favorites."

1. Seventh Heaven



How the crap was this show on for 11 seasons and (I am fully aware of how insufferable I must sound) Firefly got canceled after only 13 episodes? Joss Whedon must cry himself to sleep every night in a huge pile of money, just at the thought of it.

Also, they have like 10 kids, but none of them look alike.

2. Any Show with Shonda Rimes as Producer



Shonda Rimes is the woman responsible for a certain genre of television for women: ethically-questionable doctors who just have sex in supply closets and have terrible things happen to them. She created such tours de force as Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice (Grey's Anatomy in LA), and Off the Map (Grey's Anatomy in South America). It is very obvious that the actors, producers and writers for these shows actively hate these characters, as, I must assume, do most of the viewers. I chose the clip because it was from the not-well-thought-out musical episode that came out this season. They were right to have chosen to sing Snow Patrol because Grey's Anatomy is totally the Snow Patrol of television. Both are insufferable, melodramatic, nonsensical, and appear deep to dumb people.

3. The Mentalist




I have never seen this show. But it is nice to see that Robin Tunney has a job.

I need to update more

I need to update more lest you fine people forget about me. I have some new entry ideas that I will put up when I have a little more time. In the meantime, here is this insane tumblr that Davida (who is responsible for this, this and this) made. Basically, Davida and I are trying to have the most blogs ever.

Speaking of blogs, check out my weekly book blog at ArtAsiaPacific.

Counting Sheep.

My mom is an active member of the Amsterdam chapter of the Hash House Harriers, a world-wide group of drinkers with a running problem. They are putting together a bike race thing in Texel. They are famous for their sheep. So my mom asked me if I would design something for them to put on a t-shirt.

This was my process.



This was a very sophisticated sketch I made of what I wanted the sheep to be doing.

Then I brought into Adobe Illustrator and made this guy:



But I had forgotten to give him ears. Whoops. So I kept working.



I also added type and a windmill. Still he wasn't edgy enough.



He wasn't Dutch enough, so I added some orange clogs.



Then, I showed it to Mort, my dad. And of course he thought he wasn't getting enough attention as usual and requested his own sheep. Mort is not a very outdoorsy guy, so I changed his sheep around to fit his interests. His sheep is enjoying a Campari with soda while lounging on an Eames chair.



Edit: Mort wanted me to show some photos of his belongings to further explain his mid-century modern sheep.



Canes



Campari and other questionable liquors.



Research about sheep.

Must Love (Small) Dogs.

I told myself that I have to stop blogging about puppy dogs, but it has recently come to my attention that not everyone thinks Coco and Squirt are cute. This issue must be addressed. Let me refresh your memory. This is what Coco and Squirt look like:


Coco is lounging inside of a neck pillow.


Can Squirt's tongue be any pinker? Jesus Christ!

OMG! They are soooooo cute! LOOK AT THEM. SQUEEE!

Okay, let me pull myself together.

I really could not fathom it even being a possibility that someone would not love Squirt and Coco the wayI love them. I was naive enough to think that even people who have described Coco as being, "part ferret, part dung beetle" really love them in their deepest hearts. This was until, over a course of an hour or so, my dear friend explained to me in great detail why he does not like Coco. I finally got the message.

Some of his reasons were:

1) She is too small.
2) She has lost most of her hair due to being inbred.
3) She cannot exist in nature.
4) Her eyes protrude from her head.
5) She is usually wearing a sweater.

I thought this was just this guy and that he just had no heart, but sadly, other people have come forward and admitted to me that they don't really think these little guys are that cute, despite all the unconditional love and snuggles they offer. This was further solidified in my mind, when I forward the following picture to a friend.



Instead of saying, "OMG! He is soooooo cute! LOOK AT HIM. SQUEEE!" The response I got was, "ew."

What I want to do now is unpack exactly why Derek — yes, the Chihuahua shown here is named Derek— is cute. Here we go:

1) His name is Derek.
2) His head to body ratio.
3) His ear to head ratio.
4) His leg to body ratio (How does he support himself with such little legs!?)
5) The size of his body in relation to the pavement stones.
6) The "Hey what's up? I am just taking a walk all nonchalantly even though I am an adorable chihuahua" expression on his face.
7) He lives in the Netherlands. It shows strength of character for a chihuahua to live in such a northern climate.

Some people just hate small dogs for ideological reasons. But before you large dog-fascists write my little friends off, ask yourself the following questions:

Can a gigantic dog lie comfortably on your tummy while you read a book?

Can you just grab a gigantic dog and force him to snuggle with you when you are feeling hormonal while watching a documentary on Netflix streaming about adopting Chinese orphans?

Can a gigantic dog fall asleep on your shoulder? And would it be comfortable enough for you to join in and nap yourself?

I get that people have differing tastes, but if you don't think this picture of my friend's pug, Zoey is wondrous, you basically don't have a heart.