Monday, September 5, 2011

Why Texas Is the Best!

It often surprises new friends and acquaintances to learn that I grew up in Texas. I don't have an accent because I intentionally lost it when I was twelve and my Seattle-based aunt made fun of me for saying "y'all." Despite growing up in Houston the most car heavy place in the entire galaxy, I never got my driver's license because I don't trust myself not to crash into shit and kill myself, or worse, someone else. Now that none of my immediate family lives in Texas anymore, I go down very rarely. I doubt I'll ever live there again and I am okay with that.

But you know what? I still think that Texas is the best fucking state in all of the United States and Canada. I don't care that Alaska and Ontario are bigger or that California has more people or that Oregon is actually the the most lovely and pleasant place I've ever lived, in my deepest lizard brain I believe Texas is the best.

Here are my reasons:
  • Best BBQ
  • Armadillos
  • The shape is the best in the US.
  • Every single person in the world has heard of Texas.
  • It has lots of money and a fantastic economy and an entrepreneurial spirit without being cut throat.
  • It used to be its own country and has so many flags.
  • It has the best flag currently! So good, that Chile copied it poorly.
  • It is very populous and diverse (and obese, so if you do not agree Texas is the best, we will sit on you until you suffocate).
  • When you are in space, you literally address Houston, TX. When you have a problem, you don't say "Pittsburg, we have a problem."
  • It has fire ants, which are the most bad-ass ants and water moccasins and alligators who will eat you because they are Texan and bad-ass.
  • Tex-Mex is a thing. Have you heard of an American regional cuisine that is this famous? No, you have not.
  • You can be deep in the heart of Texas, you can't be deep in the heart of like, Ohio. That would be lame.
  • You could wear cowboy boots there everyday and not look crazy. That is the sort of thing I value.
Yes, I know that nothing in my crazy list makes any sense or provides proof that Texas is the best. But why you love things and people has nothing to do with logic. Your mom is the best mom in the world because she is your mom, your friends are the best friends ever because they belong to you. You can use circular logic when you are talking about things and people you love. It's totally within your rights.

Bonus! Something Embarrassing!

Up until a few months ago, I believed that Texas was the size of the moon. When I mentioned this in a conversation about how Texas is the best state in the United States, my friends pointed out that this made no sense and asked where I got this information. I had and still have no idea. It was just something I believed to be true. Eric tried to find something pertaining to this on the internet and this was the closest thing he could find. He also made this animated gif.

If you are curious, the moon, in terms of surface area, is about the size of Africa. I asked someone who had recently completed her PhD in Geology from Oxford because this is the sort of shit I bring up when I am talking about smart people.


KF said...

Re: "Have you heard of an American regional cuisine that is this famous?"

New York City bagels

Sahar said...

New York City bagels is not a cuisine, my friend.

Anonymous said...

As a native Ohioan, I feel it is necessary to mention that Ohio is in fact "the heart of it all" because if you squint, it resembles a heart. So while it sounds awkward to say "deep in the heart of Ohio", if you are in Ohio then you are in AMERICA'S HEART. However, I will not take up the case that "deep in the heart of [anywhere else]" sounds lame (as a Midwesterner, I get uncomfortable making outsize claims). Finally, LOVE.

Eric said...

I am pleased to see someone enjoyed my animated gif. No one else in that email thread has so much as patted me on the head for my gif-labors.

It's funny the way that New York appropriates foods. Pizza also comes to mind. And in my new neighborhood there's a place advertising "authentic NY gyros." Not authentic Greek or Turkish or Israeli gyros, oh, no. This is a real NY Gyro.

Man, it's true about the armadillos. Those things'll just throw themselves under your wheels.