Today is the second day of 2012. This might be the last year ever if the Mayans are more accurate than this guy. We should try to improve ourselves and make the most of the little time we have left on this planet. I am compiling my resolutions for the New Year today in preparation for tomorrow's Do-It Club and since I am a judgey stick-in-the-mud, I've decided to take it upon myself to write some new years resolutions for other people.
People in My Yoga Classes
Purchase and wear more substantial pants. Too many of you are wearing sheer approximations of leggings and diminutive booty shorts. I do yoga without my glasses and am pretty much blind, but I still feel like an amateur gynecologist at Yoga to the People. While I have your attention, chill out on the rhythmic breathing. You sound like a punch of pigeons having a painful orgasm.
Mean Middle School Kids from that Charter School in Greenpoint
Stop running amok in droves and yelling at people. You are making everyone over 22 nervous and our eyes are becoming strained from rolling them in your direction. You can keep yelling "blow job" randomly because it is sort of funny.
Those Uncomfortable with Modern Communication
Start retiring voicemail as a means of communication. It is incredibly inefficient and I am more likely to respond to a text because I won't put off reading it for three weeks like I do with all of my voicemails.
Sketchy Tunnel Connecting the 6th Avenue L/F/M stop and the 14th Street 1/2/3 trains
Work on smelling less like a rickety old crackpot filled to the brim with poop, hobo sweat, and garbage.
My Friends and Family Who Don't Live Near Me
Move to wherever I am whenever I move. I love you too much for you to be so far away all the time. I will reward you with hugs and homemade lentil-based meals.