Friday, October 21, 2011

Tim's Lentil Mix Tape


Apparently, about a year ago, I got drunk and started babbling. One of my favorite topics of conversation, both sober and intoxicated, is lentils. I fucking love lentils. They are by far my favorite legume. They are easy and quick to prepare, and nutrient rich! They also have a nice shape, not all awkward and oblong like, say, navy beans. Anyway, while I was babbling incoherently about lentils, I promised one of my top five friends, Tim, that I would make him a "lentil mix tape." And since Tim is obsessed with beans, I had no choice but to make good on my promise.

Here you go, Tim. Here is your lentil mix tape.


Track One: Lentil Soup 

The best kind of soup is the kind you just make out of whatever. I love making soup because it is more about intuition and less about following a plan. That's my favorite kind of cooking.

The Minimum of What You'll Need:
  • a couple of cups of lentils
  • neutral oil or butter
  • 6-8 cups of water (You could use stock, but the only stock I like (that doesn't feel all, for lack of a better word, plastic-y or like a chicken who is made out of aluminum) is stock I've made myself and that is rarely worth the effort)).
  • some garlic
  • like three carrots
  • some celery
  • a can of chopped tomatoes
  • a bayleaf
  • paprika
  • salt and pepper
Nice Things to Add If You Have It:
  • parsnips, turnips, etc
  • fresh parsley
  • kale
  • spinach
  • turmeric/cumin/etc if you want to make it more Middle Eastern-y
  • basil/oregano/dill if you want to make it more European-y
How To Make It
  1. Chop up the onion and garlic and cook these guys up in the bottom of a large soup pot
  2. When the onion and garlic starts getting aromatic, add chopped celery, carrots, salt and pepper and whatever powered spices you plan on using.
  3. When the celery and carrots start to soften, add the lentils, bay leaf, dried or fresh herbs, and enough water to cover the mixture and more depending on how "brothy" you want it to be.
  4. Now you just wait until until the lentils get soft. You inevitably will get impatient and take about 15 sporadic sips of soup during this period. This is when you will realize you didn't add enough salt in the beginning. So add some more salt.
  5. When the lentils are almost perfectly soft, add the can of tomatoes (with the juice) and the softer veggies, like spinach.
  6. When your spinach wilts, eat your goddammed soup! With a grilled cheese sandwich! 
Track Two: Lentils with Rice and Caramelized Onions

I would like to claim that I made this up, but it is totally from Mark Bittman's How to Cook Everything. I make this so often that one of my roommates starts groaning when she sees me making it.  It is a great dish to make when you are running out of money!

The Ingredients
  • two cups of lentils
  • one cup of long-grain basmati white rice
  • two onions
  • one tablespoon of cumin
  • half a head of garlic
  • salt and pepper
How To Make It
  1. Chop up one of the onions and the garlic and cook them up in a medium sauce pan with a sturdy lid. When the veggies are aromatic, mix in the cumin and salt and pepper.
  2. Mix in the lentils and add enough water to cover the lentils by an inch or so. Cover and let cook for about 45 minutes, until the lentils are soft.
  3. When the lentils are soft, add the rice and pour in enough water to cover the mixture by an inch or so. Cover, reduce the heat to simmer, and wait for the rice to soften (about 20-30 minutes). If the rice is soft, but there is still a lot of liquid, that is okay. Just uncover and increase the heat and let the excess water evaporate.
  4. While the rice and lentils are cooking, it is time to caramelize the onions. Caramelizing onions is magical! You take this harsh, tear inducing vegetable and with a little butter and heat, it becomes sweet like candy, but better! I wish there was onion-flavored candy …  Anyway, put the elegantly sliced onions with butter or oil on medium heat and stir it enough that your fire alarm doesn't go off. When the onions are all brown (but not burned up!), put them on some paper towels to soak up the extra oil. You don't want to get heart disease!
  5. I like to eat this with plain yogurt and the following salad: cucumber, onion, mint, tomatoes, lemon juice, salt, pepper, and olive oil all tossed together. Make this while the rice is cooking, so it has time to marinate. it is the sort of thing that tastes better over time. 
Track Three: Vegetarian Shepherd's Pie 

My mom, who is also obsessed with beans, made up this recipe on one of those Dutch winter days, when there is like three hours of sunlight and your feet are cold and you can't imagine a life where you could go outside while wearing shorts.

What You'll Need
  • a cup or two of lentils
  • butter
  • a handful of shallots
  • garlic
  • a couple of potatoes
  • one or two sweet potatoes
  • milk
  • sour cream
  • Gruyere cheese
  • salt and pepper
How To Make It
  1. Preheat your oven to 350 and start boiling some lentils and the potatoes. You can just stab and microwave the sweet potatoes. It is a strangely satisfying to stab a sweet potato, so I suggest that route.
  2. In a skillet or what-have-you, start cooking those shallots in butter until they are soft.
  3. When the lentils are soft, throw them in with the shallots, stir it around, and salt and pepper it.
  4. When the potatoes and sweet potatoes are cooked, mash them up together with sour cream, milk, salt, pepper and whatever you like to put in mashed potatoes.
  5. Take a casserole dish and layer it with the lentil/shallot mixture at the bottom, the potato mixture in the middle, and top it off with a generous layer of shredded Gruyere.
  6. Bake it until the cheese is golden and crispy and eat it with a green salad or vegetable so you can digest this thing properly.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Appealing Things.

Things that People Seem to Enjoy that I Do Not Understand the Appeal of

Video Games
Sports
Burning Man
Camping
Family Guy
Cormac McCarthy
Tempeh
Paul Thomas Anderson
Grizzly Bear
Channing Tatum

Things That I Used To Not Understand the Appeal of and Then I Came Around Later in Life

Dogs and Cats
Yoga
Poetry
Vegetarianism 
Clogs
New York City

What M Was Doing Instead Of Working

M works for a fancy-ass branding firm and her boss just quit, so you think she'd have more actual work to do. Nope. This is what she's been doing. I don't know what she does on a day-to-day basis (other than talk to me on G-Chat about cute European boys), but I think this is a good use of her time.




Thursday, September 8, 2011

Famous Guys Playing Pop Songs With Guitars

John Darnielle Playing Ace of Base



Because he is singing this song with the same style and vigor as, like, this one, you might mistake lyrics like, "Life is demanding without understanding" as deep and meaningful. You might feel the urge to put it on your record player and wallow, staring at the ceiling, teenager style and writing the words over and over on the outside of your pre-calculus notebook.

Jeff Tweedy Playing the Black-eyed Peas



I love this video for many reasons, one being that he looks like he is going to crack up at any point. He is unpacking the ridiculousness of the song by just stating what the lyrics are.  מזל טוב

Ted Leo Playing Kelly Clarkson 



This is an oldie and I don't know if people care about Ted Leo anymore. You just need at least three things to make a list.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Why Texas Is the Best!

It often surprises new friends and acquaintances to learn that I grew up in Texas. I don't have an accent because I intentionally lost it when I was twelve and my Seattle-based aunt made fun of me for saying "y'all." Despite growing up in Houston the most car heavy place in the entire galaxy, I never got my driver's license because I don't trust myself not to crash into shit and kill myself, or worse, someone else. Now that none of my immediate family lives in Texas anymore, I go down very rarely. I doubt I'll ever live there again and I am okay with that.



But you know what? I still think that Texas is the best fucking state in all of the United States and Canada. I don't care that Alaska and Ontario are bigger or that California has more people or that Oregon is actually the the most lovely and pleasant place I've ever lived, in my deepest lizard brain I believe Texas is the best.

Here are my reasons:
  • Best BBQ
  • Armadillos
  • The shape is the best in the US.
  • Every single person in the world has heard of Texas.
  • It has lots of money and a fantastic economy and an entrepreneurial spirit without being cut throat.
  • It used to be its own country and has so many flags.
  • It has the best flag currently! So good, that Chile copied it poorly.
  • It is very populous and diverse (and obese, so if you do not agree Texas is the best, we will sit on you until you suffocate).
  • When you are in space, you literally address Houston, TX. When you have a problem, you don't say "Pittsburg, we have a problem."
  • It has fire ants, which are the most bad-ass ants and water moccasins and alligators who will eat you because they are Texan and bad-ass.
  • Tex-Mex is a thing. Have you heard of an American regional cuisine that is this famous? No, you have not.
  • You can be deep in the heart of Texas, you can't be deep in the heart of like, Ohio. That would be lame.
  • You could wear cowboy boots there everyday and not look crazy. That is the sort of thing I value.
Yes, I know that nothing in my crazy list makes any sense or provides proof that Texas is the best. But why you love things and people has nothing to do with logic. Your mom is the best mom in the world because she is your mom, your friends are the best friends ever because they belong to you. You can use circular logic when you are talking about things and people you love. It's totally within your rights.

Bonus! Something Embarrassing!

Up until a few months ago, I believed that Texas was the size of the moon. When I mentioned this in a conversation about how Texas is the best state in the United States, my friends pointed out that this made no sense and asked where I got this information. I had and still have no idea. It was just something I believed to be true. Eric tried to find something pertaining to this on the internet and this was the closest thing he could find. He also made this animated gif.



If you are curious, the moon, in terms of surface area, is about the size of Africa. I asked someone who had recently completed her PhD in Geology from Oxford because this is the sort of shit I bring up when I am talking about smart people.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

EXTREME! EXTREME! EXTREME!

Hurricane Irene is scheduled to hit New York City sometime tomorrow. I have been freaking out about it like the anxious dork that I am. I have a flashlight, radio, extra batteries, two gallons of water, rubber boots, a vintage raincoat with whales on it, a bucket, a box of Cheez-Itz and like 10,000 Kashi granola bars. I should be fine. But it got me thinking about extreme weather and that got me thinking of extreme things.

EXTREME BALLADS!!!



I remember hearing this song as a small child and thinking that their name must be ironic.

EXTREME POODLES!!!



Yes, that poodle is supposed to be a peacock. There are so much more EXTREMELY depressing poodle follicle abuse here.

EXTREME EXISTENTIAL CRISIS DEEP IN THE EXTREMES OF THE AMAZON, THE MOST EXTREME PLACE ON EARTH!!! EXTREME!



I love how EXTREMELY German this man is.

EXTREME WEB DESIGN

This is so horrible that it is almost beautiful. I wonder what their site map looks like.

EXTREME CUTENESS


AWK. LOOKING AT THIS MAKES ME WANT TO DIE. In a good way!

MOUNTAIN DEW!!!



Using the qualifier, EXTREME, with Mountain Dew would be EXTREMELY redundant.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I'm Not a Comedian.



A few months ago after my friends' comedy show, I met some nice comedians who didn't know me very well. They suggested I take a free improv class. I was like, "Yeah, that's never going to happen. Like. Ever."

Let me explain. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with improv. Despite what I might have said in the past, I don't think improv is stupid or that all comedians are on the Autism Spectrum lurching around the UCB theater wearing baggy soiled black sweatpants. Some of my best friends are improvisers! Some of them are upstanding members of society even. But improv is something that I have no interest in for the following reasons:

1. I would be very bad at it.
Improv is hard. Most people aren't very good at it.

I am very shy and I have terrible stage fright. I've never been a performer. I've always been creative, but a I-am-going-to-make-things -in-my-bedroom-that-I-may-not-show-another-person-while-listening-to-the-entire-69-Love-Songs type of creative. In design, if I make something ugly or bad, I don't have to show it to anyone. I can trash it and start over. Improvisers don't have that luxury. Once you make it, it's out in the universe even if it sucks.

2. I have very high self-esteem.
Self-explanatory.

3. If I had the time to do improv, I'd be doing these things:
  • Learning to brew beer
  • painting a picture of a dinosaur (on my list of the goals for a the year)
  • the Sketchbook Project
  • updating this blog that you are reading right now
  • Taking a beginners German class
  • Getting through an entire Godspeed album
  • Trying to get through the first five pages of ffffffffffound.com
  • Figuring out if my printer being electrocuted is covered by its insurance policy
  • Cleaning the bathroom
  • Watching Jane Eyre with Michael Fassbender as Mr. Rodchester over and over while dramatically fanning myself.
  • Updating my portfolio site with better work.
  • Figuring out how to use webfonts
  • Finding a new cool bar/restaurant/cafe/store/desolate alley way in my neighborhood.
  • Washing my sheets/towels (which no one does enough. We are all disgusting).
  • Starting my Pretentious Book Club
  • Experimenting with watermelon in savory salads.
  • Reading anything from this series.
  • Flipping through the 15832 back issues of Harpers/Monocle/Wired that are littered around my bedroom.
  • Sleeping